Don't Judge Your Judging
Experiencing judgment is a natural part of the human experience. While we are often faced with shame for having judgement (“don't judge me!” or “shame on you for judging me!”), it is also important to recognize that there are times where judgment is functional and reasonable. Judgements help us determine whether a situation is safe or not. Judgements may help us discriminate between something that is actually “good” or “bad.” To be considered “below average,” “average,” “good,” or “great” in a particular area is often determined by a set of standards or expectations. For example, an “average” athlete compared to an “elite” athlete will be determined based on their speed, stamina, strength, coordination, or agility. A “bad” apple may be soft/mushy with holes or will not smell fresh, while a “good” apple will be firm without bruises and will smell fresh.
Judgments become interfering when judgements of evaluation or strong opinion become over generalized and are used in lieu of stating facts. For example, “I am not smart” (opinion) is used in lieu of the fact of “I struggle with math” (fact), or “that person's parenting is terrible” (opinion) is used in lieu of my observation that “that parent is using criticism to shape their child's behavior” (fact).
What do my judgments have to do with my health?
Has anyone noticed how their judgements influence their emotional intensity, emotion regulation abilities, their view of the world, the way they participate in the world, or even their relationships? I can speak for myself that when I see someone engaging in a behavior that results in a judgement thought, I can physically feel my body responding with heat or increased heart rate. Often times my judgements result in feelings of irritation or anger, or it leads me into a rabbit hole of further judgements and assumptions about “why that person would do that!?”. My judgements may keep me from engaging in a certain relationship or opening my mind to another perspective. My judgments may interfere with my ability to regulate my emotions, or they can even impact the words that come out of my mouth when talking to someone (“you're foolish to do this”), which ultimately has an impact on my relationships and with someone's ability to take me seriously.
What can I do with unhelpful judgements?
Ultimately the thoughts we have can have an impact on our emotions, actions/decisions and relationships. To notice judgements gives us an opportunity to not only interrupt the potential consequences of those judgements, but it can give us the space to explore them with curiosity. Has anyone ever noticed that their judgements on someone else are merely a reflection of the expectations they have for themselves? Telling myself that “that person's parenting is terrible” may actually be a reflection of what I deem is reasonable or not to me, or perhaps it brings up something in me that is a core issue/fear/wound. To stop and notice my judgement and say, “I notice that I feel really judgment about that person's parenting style,” may give me an opportunity to explore something deeper in me that I may have never otherwise explored.
As we collectively work on being curious about our judgments, let's keep in mind not to judge our judging. There can be a tendency to get down on ourselves for being judgmental when it goes against our values and attempts to be open-minded and accepting. Instead, our judgments are an opportunity to explore what is underneath the surface.
Curious about books you can reach on non-judgmental ness?
I'm Happy For You (Sort Of...Not Really): Finding Contentment in a Culture of Comparison by Kay Wills Wyma
Making Judgements Without Being Judgmental: Nurturing a Clear Mind and a Generous Heart by Terry D. Cooper
I'm Judgmental You're Judgmental by Terry D. Cooper
How to Stop Being Judgmental and Needy: Stop Judging Others by David A Hunter
Judgment Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living A Better Life by Gabrielle Bernstein
-Katie K LMHC, SUDP